October 19th 2010 I was officially accepted into motherhood

After 9 months of relentless hazing
I just had to make it through D-day to join this group of emotionally unstable women with no boundaries that have seem to forgotten what a hairbrush is—yet I still wanted in! But I was going to be a “cool” mom. This is something only first time moms say. There is no such thing as a cool mom and by the second kid we have all come to terms with that. When “mom” in front of a pair of jeans is used as an insult, what more proof do you need? And why is there no such thing as dad jeans? Why are dads still cool?  Oh, I remember, because they haven’t had their bodies morphed into something off of animal planet and still engage in daily adult conversations while we are in quarantine getting our souls sucked out. Continue reading “October 19th 2010 I was officially accepted into motherhood”

  • avatar

Baby on board

I always wondered when I was growing up why people put “baby on board “ signs on their cars and thought how dumb it was, nobody cares that you have a baby, get over yourself already. Then one day it all made sense. It’s a warning! Some crazy ass mom is in there who just got hit in the back of the head with a juice box while her baby is screaming louder than the wheels on the bus is playing on the radio. She is just trying to survive and find the god damn pacifier in the backseat for the 16th time.  So lay off your horn and give a good ole thumbs up when you drive around her at the green light because shit is probably going down! 

Remember that woman with 4 kids who drove her minivan into the ocean?  Clearly the asshole driving behind her missed the warning and honked at the ticking time bomb… and shit went down! (FYI they all lived)  We moms need student driver stickers . We pull off on the side of road at any given minute, swerving all over the place as we swat at the backseat, slamming on the breaks to pretend like we are really turning this car around! Lets be honest, we can be really shitty drivers, it’s like training for driving a humvee through Iraq! Protect and serve! That’s what we do all damn day for these little critters and you never know when they are going to retaliate. So in hopes of a little compassion Student Driver Stickers all around…  a student with a baby on board, people should be extra nice. Hunker down, drive on and eventually they will surrender.

  • avatar

A Mama who’s sassy, a little bad assy and just enough classy

I was sitting on the toilet nursing my 3 month old, brushing my teeth as my toddler is yelling in my face that he wants to wipe ME.  In the background I hear the four year old yelling to wipe him as my daughter complains that she can’t find her toothbrush. With one boob out and one eye open I made it to the coffee pot and thought, “I need to start writing this crap down, I need to be able to laugh about this shit (literally and figuratively) later!”  So here I am—let’s laugh about it together. Continue reading “A Mama who’s sassy, a little bad assy and just enough classy”

  • avatar