Your kid peed in the potty, stopped eating chalk, tried peas, tied their shoes, put on their underwear (backwards), stopped pulling their ding dong through their underwear hole and saying “look mom, look at my finger”. Yay! You’re so proud and it’s been 6 months since the last disaster at the Dollar Tree so the memories have faded just enough for you to go for it.
You tell them they can each pick out one thing, next thing you know you are now looking around at all this garbage and realize that you need an off-brand Sharpie and a snow globe in April along with a balloon and some gift bags that are too narrow to actually fit a gift inside. In the meantime the kids have each found 16 toys, two of which they have already broken and slobbered on. After the threat of leaving with nothing they start putting things back one item at a time. Every time they put one toy back a new shiny glittery piece of plastic catches their eye. Seven minutes later when you are about to gouge your eyeballs out you pull “I’m leaving!”.
You don’t look around to see who’s judging you for the chaos that you have brought to this already dreadful place, just bee-line for the register and pray that they all follow you… then you realize there are 32 freaking people in line because there is always only one god damn register open and three of them are going to write a check while the other half is still paying with cash in 2018. As you say no to the gum-by-the-foot and all of the other forbidden shit they hang where you wait in line the dickhead in front of you wants a balloon filled.
They call Cathy over the microphone but she of course can’t be found so Irene, the only lady checking out the 32 of us, has to stop and fill a balloon for Jim Bob. Now that he has his balloon and fake red rose he pays with his three dirty one dollar bills and winks at Irene on the way out. Ding ding ding, you are up, you did it, you have 4 shiny pieces of garbage for the kids, a bag of balloons, a stock pile of gift bags that you won’t remember were they are when you need them and a marker that dries out before you ever open it but the kids are happy and you all leave smiling. They say thank you 13 times before they even get to the car and each explain why they made such a great choice.
After two minutes of pure joy the slinky is tangled before it even makes it to the stairs and the kid is literally sobbing. As a seasoned parent you were prepared for a toy or two to not make it home so you bust out this centipede that grows when it gets wet and now your kid thinks you are the coolest mom ever and can’t wait to take a bath. The toddler sees the centipede and now is crying that he too wants an extra toy. This is the moment that you are reminded that this was the worst 21 dollars that you have ever spent!! You tell yourself that you will never do that again!! And you mean it!
But 6 months later Carson stops using a pacifier, Hudson quits eating sand and you find yourself back at the god damn dollar tree!
Mom on!! It doesn’t get any better than this. #lifewithlittles
After 9 months of relentless hazing
I just had to make it through D-day to join this group of emotionally unstable women with no boundaries that have seem to forgotten what a hairbrush is—yet I still wanted in! But I was going to be a “cool” mom. This is something only first time moms say. There is no such thing as a cool mom and by the second kid we have all come to terms with that. When “mom” in front of a pair of jeans is used as an insult, what more proof do you need? And why is there no such thing as dad jeans? Why are dads still cool? Oh, I remember, because they haven’t had their bodies morphed into something off of animal planet and still engage in daily adult conversations while we are in quarantine getting our souls sucked out. Continue reading “October 19th 2010 I was officially accepted into motherhood”
I always wondered when I was growing up why people put “baby on board “ signs on their cars and thought how dumb it was, nobody cares that you have a baby, get over yourself already. Then one day it all made sense. It’s a warning! Some crazy ass mom is in there who just got hit in the back of the head with a juice box while her baby is screaming louder than the wheels on the bus is playing on the radio. She is just trying to survive and find the god damn pacifier in the backseat for the 16th time. So lay off your horn and give a good ole thumbs up when you drive around her at the green light because shit is probably going down!
Remember that woman with 4 kids who drove her minivan into the ocean? Clearly the asshole driving behind her missed the warning and honked at the ticking time bomb… and shit went down! (FYI they all lived) We moms need student driver stickers . We pull off on the side of road at any given minute, swerving all over the place as we swat at the backseat, slamming on the breaks to pretend like we are really turning this car around! Lets be honest, we can be really shitty drivers, it’s like training for driving a humvee through Iraq! Protect and serve! That’s what we do all damn day for these little critters and you never know when they are going to retaliate. So in hopes of a little compassion Student Driver Stickers all around… a student with a baby on board, people should be extra nice. Hunker down, drive on and eventually they will surrender.
I was sitting on the toilet nursing my 3 month old, brushing my teeth as my toddler is yelling in my face that he wants to wipe ME. In the background I hear the four year old yelling to wipe him as my daughter complains that she can’t find her toothbrush. With one boob out and one eye open I made it to the coffee pot and thought, “I need to start writing this crap down, I need to be able to laugh about this shit (literally and figuratively) later!” So here I am—let’s laugh about it together. Continue reading “A Mama who’s sassy, a little bad assy and just enough classy”